Things really have changed since last year. Many things have changed for me, and I had no idea how to deal with any of it. I lost the inspiration not just for my personal style, but the inspiration to try.
I cam to realize that the relationship I was in for a year was absolutely toxic. They made me constantly anxious, and never bothered to fix the problems that made me feel that way. I would spend days waiting by the phone, hoping they would call to help make the panic go away, for they managed to make me completely dependent on them. I wasn’t the person I was before I met them. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, all I knew is that their existence defined my happiness.
I no long felt that I had friends. Some time before that, someone decided to spread a life story. Not my life story, but the one they wanted people to know. It made those who I thought were my true friends into their true selves instead. I didn’t know who I could trust, and they refused to own up to their injustices. Maybe they’ve always disliked me, and they’ve been waiting for the day I would trend as the next hated thing. Who knows? It’s been two years since then and every few months, those who I thought were my enemies are showing kindness towards me. Is it no longer a popular thing to belittle me? Guilt? Personally, I don’t really care. They’ve already shown me who they were. I’m just sad to say that due to those people, it’s been very difficult for me to find new friends, because I’m afraid to make new ones. With no companions of the platonic or romantic sort, I really had no reason to leave my home. I stayed stagnant and isolated, because it would be less stressful and less heartbreaking. I no longer looked at my closet with inspiration for outfits for the week. The anxiety and depression caused increasing weight gain that made it harder and harder to fit into the clothes that used to make me happy. For two years (2013-2105), I was a mess. Constantly flaking from plans, because it became exhausting to leave the safety of my own home. All I did was work, study, and sleep. There was an empty void that used to be filled with friendship, love, and fashion that I haven’t seen in a long time.
It is now March of 2016. I have to admit that I was a bit teary eyed when writing this, but not in melancholic way, but rather through intense euphoria that I have finally said something that’s always been gnawing at me. I will never leave lolita, but I no longer have interest in joining fashion communities. I find that it’s much more rewarding to dress for myself, than to try to impress others. I will also no longer lock myself in into one style. Their is so much fashion has to offer, and I’d be foolish to refuse what it can give me.
I’ve met the love of my life. You can say that it’s stupid for me to say that, considering I am only 21, but it’s what I feel. Some people were given more than one loves of their life, but I’m sure I’ve at least found my one. I’ve never felt more secure, more confidant, and more happy. I have to say, we are not perfect. We fight like other friends and other couples, but we never go to bed angry. And a fight never lasts that long before one of us can no longer stand the other person looking so sad. I love my Jarred, and he loves me. And we love our tiny apartment together. I’m sure you all will see our home more this year since I want to start blogging more at home.
As to the friendship aspect of my life, I am still having a difficult time finding people who I truly love to spend time with. I only have two people I truly consider friends, who coincidentally are my best friends, Jarred and my longest and most loyal friend, Randi (who is also the most beautiful girl in the world, I might love her more than Jarred).
I hope you can see more of the things I love soon.
Thank you to all those who waited for me, and for everyone still rooting me on.
Please, wait just a bit longer, I’ll be back soon.